Rating: PG for language

What it’s about: A family of whales stranded under the Alaskan ice becomes an international cause in this tale, “inspired by the true story.”

The kid attractor factor: It’s a feel-good movie about whales, and a tween boy who sort of narrates it.

Good lessons/bad lessons: People are rarely all-right or all-wrong. Everybody has a soft spot, everybody has an axe to grind.

Violence: Whales face death.

Language: A few mild moments of profanity.

Sex: Relationship stuff is kept in the background.

Drugs: None.

Parents’ advisory: Nicely pitched as appropriate for the whole family and kids of all ages.

CHRONICLE

Rating: PG-13 for intense action and violence, thematic material, some language, sexual content and teen drinking

What it’s about: Three teens acquire superpowers, and decide to use them for revenge, boozing it up and chasing girls.

The kid attractor factor: Teens behaving badly on an epic scale.

Good lessons/bad lessons: Emotional problems are just magnified when you gain super powers.

Violence: Quite a bit of it – bullying, child abuse, with lots of blood.

Language: Mild bits of profanity.

Sex: Sexual situations.

Drugs: Alcohol is consumed.

Parents’ advisory: Some of the language, violence and substance abuse are pretty rough and the sexual situations too frank for younger kids. OK for 13-and-up.

2012, McClatchy-Tribune News Service.

By ROGER MOORE

The Edina, Minn., man and his wife, Rosie, have been married 52 years, so they’re clearly doing something right. According to marriage counselors, their disagreements can help them iron out small differences before they become major issues.

The survey, released this month, found that 44 percent of married couples believe that fighting more than once a week helps keep the lines of communication open. While that survey was done in India, it reinforces similar studies that have been done in the United States, said William Doherty, a professor in the University of Minnesota’s Department of Family Social Science.

The studies come with a couple of caveats, he added: For starters, nobody is recommending that you put down the newspaper and pick a fight with your spouse. It’s also important to remember that there’s a difference between “good fighting” and “bad fighting,” and the latter can be as destructive as the former is beneficial.

“What the studies have shown is that it’s not so much whether couples get angry but how they handle it,” he said.

Sandy and Frank Burris of Prior Lake, Minn., have been married 56 years. Happily? Yes. Peacefully? Not always. “We do (argue) all the time,” Sandy said. “There are lots of things we don’t agree on. If we did agree all the time, it would be boring.”

Doherty seconded that sentiment. “Constructive conflict can put a spark in a relationship,” he said. “Love needs a spark every now and then.”

Katherine Youngblood of Edina said that by disagreeing with each other, she and her husband of 54 years have figured out their mutual priorities. “You realize what issues are important and what’s not so important,” she said.

Doherty said that arguing “helps couples recalibrate by addressing the things that are important to them. I see a lot of couples bury these things under the rug – and that rug ends up getting really lumpy.”

All things being equal, marriage counselor Bernie Slutsky would rather have the couples who come into his Therapy for Relationships offices in St. Louis Park and Maple Grove, Minn., yell at each other than ignore each other.

“At least they’re trying to reach the other person,” he said. “Sometimes it’s a case of, ‘You’re not listening to me so I’m going to tell you louder,’ and we have to tone that down. But it’s still better than if they just sit there and stonewall each other. That’s a lot more destructive.”

As for arguing in front of your children, counselors say it depends on the issue and the depth of feelings behind it. You don’t want let children see you waging a war, but having them witness what Doherty calls “low-level skirmishes” is healthier for everyone.

“If they never see you argue, they’re going to get a very unrealistic image of marriage,” he said. “If it’s hostile, contemptuous, full of shouting and name-calling, that’s bad. But if it’s a small irritation that is addressed respectfully and the kids see that 15 minutes later you’ve gotten over it and everything is fine again, that’s helpful.”

Arguing can be beneficial, but only if it’s done right.

“If it’s intentionally hurtful and abusive, it’s not helpful,” Slutsky said. “Don’t attack; argue. And don’t blame. It has to be done in a way that you’re not trying to hurt the other person. You’re just expressing your point of view.”

That can mean making a conscious effort to avoid falling into old habits that are ineffective and, at worse, can destroy the whole process.

“We tend to get stuck in patterns, and we have to break out of those patterns,” he said. “I see a lot of couples that are trying to connect, but they don’t know how to do it.”

For starters, it has to be a mutual endeavor, Doherty said.

“It’s not uncommon for one person to want to bring up issues and for the other person to not want to, and that’s not a good thing,” he said. “If it’s an issue for one of you, it’s an issue for the marriage. If someone brings up an issue more than once, you need to talk about it.”

Research shows that women bring up issues of conflict 80 percent of the time. But regardless of the origin, how the discussion starts often will determine how things will go.

“Research has shown that a soft start-up is the best way,” Doherty said. “Say that a woman wants some help with the housework at night. A soft start-up would be: ‘I know that you’re tired, but I feel as if I’m being taken advantage of.’ A hard start-up would be: ‘Why are you sitting there watching TV while I do all the work?’ That sort of an opening puts the other person on the defensive.”

Not dealing with issues when they arise can lead to resentment.

“For the person who has an issue, the pressure keeps building up until they can’t take it anymore, and then it’s like holding a lit match to gasoline,” he said. “And all you’re doing in that case is teaching your partner to run away until the storm passes.”

Some Minnesotans may hit another obstacle to healthy arguing: It’s not a very Scandinavian thing to do.

“My wife (of 45 years) and I both are of Scandinavian backgrounds, and that works against us when it comes to this,” said Dick Crockett of Edina. “Scandinavians are not comfortable with confrontation. The basic rationale of a Scandinavian marriage is ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’”

TIPS FOR ‘FIGHTING FAIR’

Focus only on the topic at hand. Dredging up a bunch of old issues – called “kitchen sinking” by therapists – fuels anger.

Don’t bring in third parties. Saying, “My Mom agrees with me” isn’t going to help win the argument. In the same vein, don’t make comparisons between your mate and someone else.

Avoid using “you always” and “you never.” Exaggerations hurt feelings and open the door for your spouse to focus on the misstatement and ignore the point you’re trying to make.

Treat your partner with respect. When you’re speaking, don’t yell, belittle or taunt. When you’re listening, don’t roll your eyes, grimace or smirk.

If you owe your spouse an apology, make it. It shows that you consider the relationship more important than what you’re fighting about.

By JEFF STRICKLER

Parent advice (from our panel of staff contributors):

Do it. He can tell his friends that there’s a long history of athletes taking dance, even ballet, to improve their footwork and coordination. And besides, if your son wants to do something that rounds out his character, he should be encouraged.

-William Hageman

Sign him up for ballet but also consider enrolling him in another type of dance class: jazz, hip-hop, whatever. This is not about giving him something more “masculine” (ballet is the most physically difficult of dance forms and thus the most macho). When I was 9, I wanted to be a gymnast, but beginners had to take ballet too. I not only discovered I was a rotten acrobat but fell in love with ballet. Helping them travel past boundaries includes the ones they may build on their own.

-Renee Enna

Expert advice:

Ballet is great preparation for other pursuits, says psychologist Anthony Rao, author of “The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World” (William Morrow). It also is a great pursuit.

“Ballet and dance are perfect fits for boys developmentally,” says Rao, who writes at anthonyrao.com. Movement “is part of how they express themselves and learn. Versus a lot of team sports where they’re sitting or off to the sidelines for large portions of time, ballet offers natural, fluid movement for how boys are built.”

And that’s not all: “They like to express themselves in a physical versus a verbal way,” Rao says. “Visually and spatially, studies show, boys need to explore the environment around them. They like to demonstrate their physical strength, and there’s no doubt dance is the most demanding and difficult of sports.”

Which may not stop other kids from teasing him, of course. All the more reason to sign him up.

“I would turn this into a positive,” Rao says. “‘Wow! I’m really proud that you’re stepping out and doing something different and letting your passion lead you rather than doing the same thing as the rest of your group.’

“You don’t want to send the message that following the crowd is the way to go. That can lead to all sorts of scarier things, especially as they enter middle school and following the herd becomes much riskier.”

Do acknowledge his valid fears that he may be teased.

“It might happen,” Rao says. “So you demystify it for them. ‘This is why people tease: They tend to feel safer when everyone conforms and does the same thing. They want to look tough and powerful, so they give us a nudge or a look that makes them feel better. But it’s not personal.’”

Then you coach them on how to deal. First, Rao says, “Ask them about balancing their skill set so they don’t get known for just one thing. A guy who dances and also does martial arts can’t be teased as easily because people can’t put him in a box.”

Next, “Talk to him about leading with confidence, walking around with your head high, loving what you do, and plowing forward,” Rao says. “Other kids take the cues off each other.”

Finally: “Enlist help,” he says. “Adults even do this. If we feel pushed around, we go to the police or we go to our bosses. Ask for help if it’s not easing up.”

And feel free to lean on pop culture.

“When you look at the popularity of ‘Glee’ and ‘Dancing With the Stars,’” Rao says, “I think more and more boys are becoming interested in dance, and there will be more social acceptance to it.”

HAVE A SOLUTION?

Your teen son wants help choosing a Valentine’s gift for his girlfriend. Where do you even begin? Email us at parenthood@tribune.com. Find “The Parent ‘Hood” page on Facebook, where you can post your parenting questions and offer tips and solutions for others to try.

By HEIDI STEVENS

She changed her tune 10 years later, when, married and pregnant, Masterson innocently spotted a text message on her husband’s cellphone from a woman regarding a baby. Her husband said it must have been sent to him by mistake, and Masterson, sensitive to privacy, left it alone – until a few months later, when the woman contacted Masterson through Facebook to reveal she’d recently given birth to her husband’s child.

“I became a snooper,” said Masterson, now 39, a Defense Department contractor living in northern Virginia. She tore through cellphone records and installed software to recover deleted emails, gathering all the details she could. “It was so not me; up until that point I had believed in absolute privacy.”

When, if ever, is it OK to invade a romantic partner’s privacy? Masterson and others who have perpetrated or suffered betrayal (or both) say it’s often the only way to confirm suspicions of infidelity when all else fails.

But it can take much less for people to snoop.

Thirty-three percent of dating couples and 37 percent of spouses – slightly more women than men – say they have checked their partner’s email or call history on the sly, according to a survey last year by the gadget shopping site Retrevo.com, which queried more than 1,000 people online. Among those younger than 25, almost half reported snooping. Just 9 percent discovered evidence of cheating.

Retrevo.com spokeswoman Jennifer Jacobson said she doesn’t think young couples are less trusting. “It’s just that technology has made everyone’s communications highly accessible and people probably don’t see it as a violation of trust, because of how easy it is to do.”

Larry Rosen, author of “iDisorder: Understanding Our Obsession With Technology and Overcoming Its Hold on Us” (Palgrave Macmillan), said millennials raised on a culture of Facebook stalking view privacy differently from baby boomers or Gen Xers (roughly people older than 35).

“For older people, the lines are clear: Private is private, public is public,” said Rosen, a research psychologist and professor at California State University at Dominguez Hills. “For younger people it’s much more murky.”

If technology has made it easier to spy, it has also made it easier to cheat, muddying what is considered appropriate relationships. Facebook invites flirting with exes, and some people never know whom their partner is texting. Is that OK? Depends on the couple. But it can get out of hand.

The ping of a saucy text message stimulates the brain’s pleasure centers, as does cocaine, and people want more, Rosen said.

He recommends people abide by a five-minute “e-waiting period” before sending an electronic communication so that they can be more clear-headed about whether it’s a good idea.

“It’s an issue of higher-level thinking versus lower-order responding,” Rosen said. “We have turned into salivating dogs, and we have to back off a bit.”

Generally, a relationship is harmful if you’re redirecting intimacies and energies from your partner to someone else, or if you’re hiding behavior because you know it would make your partner uncomfortable.

“People are trying to hang on to two worlds, and it’s been my experience that those things blow up,” said Randi Gunther, an LA-based clinical psychologist and marriage counselor, and author of “Relationship Saboteurs” (New Harbinger). “Do you want to spend your life looking over your shoulder?”

It’s up to each couple to determine what’s appropriate regarding privacy, but the problem is that most couples don’t talk about their values until someone gets hurt, said Linda Young, a counseling psychologist who sits on the board of the Council on Contemporary Families. Young said couples should get on the same page about their expectations (What is cheating? How transparent should you be? Do you have access to each other’s passwords?) just as they would about children or finances.

But first, she added, it’s important to understand why you desire a certain level of privacy or transparency.

It’s unfair to project insecurities or baggage from prior betrayals onto an innocent partner and go searching for faults, Young said. Innocuous material can easily be misinterpreted. And hypervigilance can be controlling and push someone away.

If, however, trust has been breached, privacy goes out the window and it falls to the betrayer to make their life an open book, Young said. He or she should proactively announce who just texted during dinner or just friended them on Facebook, and allow phones and email accounts to be snooped, to earn back the trust broken. It’s best if the transparency is voluntary, not a penance that feels like a parent checking up on a bad child, which invites rebellion, Young said.

Jill, a 47-year-old Houston woman who asked that her last name not be published to protect her family, said she felt like a 5-year-old having to account for her every move after her husband discovered her yearlong affair, but she knew it was necessary to save her marriage.

“I think anyone who is capable of lying, being deceitful and ruining somebody’s life, you damn well better put your cellphone on the counter, you damn well better hand over your passwords, and you damn well better shut your mouth,” said Jill, who with her husband founded Survivinginfidelity.com, an online support group.

Jill believes snooping is justified if your gut is screaming at you that something’s wrong; the vast majority of the 34,000 registered members in her group discovered infidelity by spying on cellphones, emails or Facebook accounts, she said. Her own husband confronted her with more than 10,000 emails between her and a man she’d met on a website; her original intention was to flirt, not to launch a physical affair.

“I knew it was wrong every time my husband would walk in and I would shut my laptop,” Jill said. “It snowballed before I even realized I was on the slopes.”

Masterson, now divorced, said she and her new boyfriend have found a healthy balance between transparency and privacy. She said she would happily hand over her cellphone if he asked, as would he, though she would be angry if he peeked behind her back.

Most important, she tells him everything, especially about any “light friendships” with other men. Whereas she used to consider that her private business, she now prefers openness.

“That’s a slippery slope I don’t walk anymore,” she said.

YOUR PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING

Your journals. Your hobbies. Your box of old love letters. Friends’ confidences. Family dramas. They’re no one’s business but your own – and sometimes it’s healthiest to keep it that way.

Iris Krasnow, a journalist who interviewed 200 women for her book “The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married” (Gotham), said the happiest spouses were those who maintained a separate identity, some by taking separate summer vacations from their spouse, others by keeping their “soulful secrets” – dreams about what they want to do or be, thoughts about the fabric of their lives – to themselves.

Having fulfilling friendships with both sexes also breeds happiness, she said – including flirting (with boundaries), to get that shot of flattery that you can take back home.

“It takes a village to make a happy person,” Krasnow said. “I have so many great men friends, I just make sure my husband loves them, too.”

By ALEXIA ELEJALDE-RUIZ

A: Losing a friend – whether because of a physical separation or a relationship-ending disagreement – is usually a major event in a child’s life. Unfortunately, though, too few parents take these breakups seriously enough, and may try to comfort a child with a well-meaning but flip, “Don’t worry, you’ll find another friend” or “You can always email each other.” I’m glad you’re taking your daughter’s loss more seriously.

The truth is that children at this age make very deep emotional attachments to their friends, and although losing friends is a normal part of growing up, friends are not interchangeable. Parents need to encourage children to explore and understand why a friendship ended (although in this case, it’s pretty clear – at least to you). Otherwise, “they can end up blaming themselves, and that self-blame may make them wary of forming new friendships in the future,” says psychotherapist Mary Lamia. Reassuring your daughter that she’s in no way to blame for her friend moving, may help.

On the other hand, as irrational as it seems to most adults, your daughter may be very angry at her friend for leaving. So if you have any suspicion that she’s blaming her friend, it’s important that you gently encourage her to forgive. “Hurt feelings, disappointment, and transgressions are an inevitable part of close friendship,” says Lamia.

You’re absolutely right to be concerned about your daughter’s reactions. “Children often compare potential new friends to the old one,” says Lamia. “And usually, the new ones can’t compare.” You may need to remind your daughter that establishing a friendship often takes time. Encourage her to talk about the feelings and emotions she’s experiencing, and let her know that you understand how hard it can be to lose a friend, and that being sad, angry, and hurt is perfectly normal.

At the end of the day, your daughter will be okay, Although it comes naturally to some, for others, making friends is very difficult. And since your daughter values quality over quantity (and that’s just fine – as long as the quantity isn’t zero), it may take her longer than you think to move on. If she’s still down in the dumps in a few weeks, talk to her pediatrician about getting her some counseling.

In the meantime, here are seven characteristics that researchers believe (and common sense confirms) are critical to forming long-lasting, healthy friendships:

-Friends share – anything from toys to secrets.

-Friends help each other. This might mean anything from helping a fellow preschooler look for a lost doll to helping a fellow 12-year-old deal with the death of a parent.

-Friends forgive. This is easy enough for a toddler, a little harder for school-age kids, and pretty tough for pre-adolescents.

-Friends manage their conflicts. Everyone has fights once in a while, but friends are willing to spend the time it takes to work things out.

-Friends are active participants in maintaining the relationship and don’t just wait for the others to call.

-Friends want the chance to be open and frank with someone who is open and frank with them.

-Friends keep each other’s confidences and stick up for each other.

(Armin Brott is the author of “The Military Father: A Hands-on Guide for Deployed Dads” and “The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be.” Readers may send him email at armin@askmrdad.com, or visit his website at www.mrdad.com.)

By ARMIN BROTT

A: You shouldn’t be asking us, you should be asking him! If you are serious enough with this guy that you have introduced him to your kids, then you should be able to discuss things like this with him. If you can’t, take a good look at that. It could be a huge red flag that you’re going way too fast.

That said, it’s not uncommon for other people’s kids to get on our nerves. We may not approve of the way they respond in various situations – we perceive that they act entitled, sarcastic, disrespectful, etc. Bottom line, the kids seem spoiled, and that’s enough to retreat. But, here’s another red flag: Your guy has daughters. We know it’s dangerous to stereotype because every child is different, but it’s important to acknowledge that there are huge differences in boys and girls right from birth – and there are huge differences in how parents parent them. If your boyfriend has only raised girls he may see a boy who is just rambunctious as over-the-top. If this seemingly over-the-top little boy doesn’t listen to you – say it takes two or three times to get him to clear the table because he’s distracted by a favorite TV show, then you could find yourself with a frustrated boyfriend mentally counting each time you have to ask your son twice. That’s a dangerous place to be. As the relationship continues, you may find yourself running defense for your child – which will ultimately pit you against your boyfriend. We have to say it – beware of anyone who tells you that your kid gets on his nerves. Huge R-E-D flag.

The first rule of good ex-etiquette for dating is “Be true to yourself and don’t concede your morals or self esteem for anyone else.” The first rule of good ex-etiquette for parents is, “Put the children first.” Translated, this means if you’re going to date this guy, don’t be afraid to take a stand for your child. Granted, you have raised him alone and if you have been too lax and you need to step up and take note. But if you sense that your boyfriend is being judgmental, have that conversation now before more time is invested and you realize it just won’t work.

Next time, try to use a little better ex-etiquette and don’t introduce your kids to your new guy until you know for a fact he’s in it for the long haul.

(Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband’s ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents,” are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at ee@bonusfamilies.com.)

By JANN BLACKSTONE-FORD AND SHARYL JUPE

I’ve learned that teen-aged boys can be every bit as ditzy as teen-aged girls. That a teen-ager’s concept of how long it takes to do homework is always distorted. That I will never get used to riding shotgun with a 15-year-old I once breast fed.

I’ve also learned about the nuances of toilet paper.

Not the kind that’s never on the holder in the bathroom.

The kind that’s in trees.

This is the substance of adolescent custom and lore in many an American town, the innocuous, yet messy stuff that can appear overnight to cloak and choke every living thing in a given teen-ager’s yard. This is the stuff of neighborhood eyesores that will require ladders, broomsticks and garden hoses the next day to eradicate, especially if it’s 2-ply. This is the stuff I’ve come to respect.

I never experienced the teen custom of toilet-papering, aka T-peeing, as a teen-ager myself. Maybe it was because I was a sheltered Southern girl. Or untouchably Catholic. Or maybe, let’s face it, I was not popular. I never knew that the most public symbol of high-school acceptance was having your house encased in thousands of streams of Charmin’ Ultra Soft in the dark of night by your peers.

Soon after my first child began growing facial hair, then, I began to notice that the yards of his friends in our small town were occasionally bedecked in white on a Saturday morning, usually after an important basketball game or a school dance.

“What’s that?” I’d ask.

“So-and-so got T-peed,” he’d say.

At first, the perfectionist parent in me was appalled. “So-and-so” was always an upstanding kid, sometimes a soccer player, sometimes a homecoming queen, more often than not, just a kid that people liked. But who pays for all that toilet tissue? Isn’t that littering? And who cleans it up?

Then one midnight when my son was a junior in high school, I heard commotion in the front yard. Opening the front door a crack, I saw four teen-agers from a play my son was in, their arms full of telltale Scott, 1-ply.

“Oh, no. Please don’t,” I half-pleaded.

“Sorry, Mrs. Hook,” one girl said. “We have to.”

I found myself closing the door that night and going back to bed while my son’s friends destroyed a 12-pack in my yard. Even the swing set was draped and tangled in streams that waved at me through the bathroom window the next morning like the long arms of ghosts.

But they were happy ghosts.

My son had been received.

When I first became a parent 23 years ago, I didn’t understand – never mind respect – such things. To my way of thinking, harmless teen pranks could only lead to crimes of punishment. My second-born, 19-year-old daughter reminded me recently that I never let her T-pee anybody’s house.

These days, I am the more seasoned mother of two former teen-agers, who are both now settling into respectable young adulthood, who have a 14-year-old brother coming up the ranks. I still don’t go out of my way to encourage T-peeing. I certainly don’t condone more serious “pranks” – egging the principal’s house, bullying an unpopular child or vandalizing property. But when my youngest child came to me the other night and actually asked permission to T-pee a cheerleader’s house with a group of soccer players, I found my usual rigidity bending.

“You know the parents are OK with this?” I asked.

“Yes, Mom. They’ve been T-peed before,” he said.

“You know you might have to help clean it up tomorrow?” I said.

“Yes, Mom.”

“You know you need to be safe and quiet,” I said.

“Yes, Mom.”

“OK, there are four rolls in the bathroom cabinet.”

Ten years with three teen-agers later, I still don’t understand everything. I don’t know how a 2012 teen-ager can maintain direct eye contact with an adult while engaging in five text conversations at the same time.

But after a few years of doing this, I find myself beginning to remember what it was like to be a teen-ager myself. When the rules of social construct were overwhelming and the rites of passage, constant. When the world was full of political fighting and bad economies and real war involving real weapons. When snarfing a 12-pack of toilet paper from the bathroom and running it around a friend’s yard on a Friday night might have been just the thing to do.

(Debra-Lynn B. Hook of Kent, Ohio (www.debralynnhook.com), has been writing about family life since 1988 when she was pregnant with the first of her three children. Read her blog at http://debralynn-bloopbloopotter.blogspot.com/ or email her at dlbhook@yahoo.com or join her Facebook discussion group on this column: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Debra-Lynn-Hook-Bringing-Up-Mommy/195642263780710.)

2012, Debra-Lynn B. Hook

By DEBRA-LYNN B. HOOK

Wrong again! Research showing that rewards often backfire and revealing the dark side of self-esteem has been available for quite some time. Furthermore, the Internet permits anyone who is interested to access this information. This supposedly “new” stuff simply illustrates the disconnect between research and practice in American education. More directly put, educational methodology is more driven by fad than fact. In effect, the classroom is in many ways a laboratory within which experiments are conducted using children as guinea pigs.

Was objective research done to verify the efficacy of the so-called “Open Classroom” before that particular philosophy captured America’s schools in the early 1970s? No. Somebody sold an idea to a bunch of education bureaucrats and millions of dollars of the taxpayers’ money was wasted as a consequence. How about Outcome-Based Education? Again, the research done to validate that particular flop was of the sort my experimental methods professor would have used to illustrate sloppy research methods. And again, millions of dollars, etcetera. That’s been pretty much the story of American education “reform” for 40 years.

For almost two decades, research done by people like Roy Baumeister of Florida State University has shown, as conclusively as social science research is capable of showing, that high self-esteem is associated with anti-social behavior. Think, for example, bullying. It appears that the higher one’s self-regard, the lower his regard for others. People with high self-regard believe themselves to be entitled. What they want, they believe they deserve to have. Because they deserve what they want, the ends justify the means. Think, for example, Bernie Madoff. The functional attribute is one that went “out” with the rest of the bathwater in the 1960s: humility and modesty. People who are humble pay attention to you. They try to figure out, in any situation, what they can do to help you and make you feel comfortable. It’s about you, not the Almighty Them. On the other side of the equation, people who possess high self-esteem want people to pay attention to and do things for them. In fact, they tend to get upset if people don’t pay them attention and cater to them. Furthermore, the folks in question are often malcontents who are never satisfied with any degree of catering.

Concerning rewards, it has been known for quite some time that rewards often depress achievement levels. Likewise, people with high self-esteem tend to perform below their level of ability. Why? Because they believe that anything they do is worthy of merit; therefore, they do the minimum, if that.

A recent conversation with a Navy commander illustrates the point. He told me that he deals “all the time” with young recruits who believe that they should be rewarded for whatever they do, whenever they do it, even if they do nothing more than what is minimally expected of them. They have acquired this very entitled, uncooperative attitude from their parents and the schools they attended. Their parents can be forgiven. They were simply doing what Parents’ Magazine and other publications and talking heads told them to do. Educators, on the other hand, should have had the wherewithal to ask the fundamental question: Is there compelling evidence that giving rewards for adequate or even improved performance actually improves academic achievement over the long haul?

Concerning classroom behavior, rewards often backfire. Give a child who is aggressive during free play a reward for not being aggressive for 10 minutes and he is very likely to turn right around and be aggressive. He realizes, intuitively, that the only reason he is being singled out for a reward is precisely BECAUSE he is aggressive; therefore, to keep the rewards coming he must continue to aggress.

If school reform fads had paid off, then today’s achievement levels would be higher and classroom behavior would be better than they were in the 1960s. The opposite is the case. The taxpayer is slowly catching on, evidenced by a growing revolt against public education’s never-ending cry for more money. Accountability can be a painful thing.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.

By JOHN ROSEMOND

The paper, published in the February edition of the journal Pediatrics, reviews the long list of substances that can affect babies in utero. In newborns, it may take hours to days for symptoms of drug withdrawal to show up, the authors note. Alcohol-addicted babies can begin withdrawals within 12 hours while withdrawal symptoms from sedatives or hypnotics may not be apparent for two weeks after birth.

Symptoms of drug dependence in newborns can be assessed by the baby’s overall health, such as birth weight, as well as type of cry, sleep patterns, tremors and other movements and feeding ability. Some babies may need to be treated with medications to ease withdrawal symptoms.

Every hospital nursery should have a plan to screen for maternal substance abuse and evaluate infants at risk for withdrawal symptoms. And, given the growing numbers of affected babies, more research is needed to determine how to best wean a newborn from his mother’s drugs.

By SHARI ROAN

There will be mourning. There may be a visitation or memorial service, perhaps reflecting religious, family, cultural and regional traditions.

And you will wonder whether to attend one of these social gatherings – or you should – whether the deceased is a cousin you haven’t seen in five years or a co-worker’s parent whom you’ve never met.

“If it was your mother’s (service), would you expect to see your co-workers? If you can answer ‘yes’ to that question, then you should go,” says funeral director James Olson, a spokesman for the National Funeral Directors Association (nfda.org) and owner of the Lippert-Olson Funeral Home in Sheboygan, Wis.

Such gatherings “are about the living and giving them a chance to express their grief – or it may be an expression of joy for a life well lived. For the person who is mourning, it is very important to know there are people who support them,” he says. “But it also gives the greater community an opportunity to share in that grief.”

We had a few more questions for Olson:

Do I have to dress up? “Out of respect for the family, put a little effort into getting ready,” he says, and wear something more than shorts and a T-shirt.

What do I do at the gathering? “Sign the guest book to let them know you’re there,” he says. “Then wait in line and express your condolences.

“You don’t have to stay, (but showing up) at least lets the family know you were thinking about them in their time of need.”

What do I say? “The best thing: ‘I am truly sorry for your loss’.” Also, if you can, Olson suggests mentioning something about the deceased: “I really loved your mother’s garden and her beautiful flowers,” or “I loved how your dad was always washing his cars.”

“Keep it simple,” he advises. “Stick to what you know.”

Are there things I shouldn’t say? Refrain from asking probing questions about the illness or death. A grieving family member may not want to keep repeating unpleasant details of her mom’s final days.

Also, don’t say things such as, “I know how you feel. I lost my mom too.” Your loss is different from someone else’s loss, and it’s not about you. “At that particular moment, to be honest,” Olson says, “someone doesn’t want to hear about someone else’s loss.”

What about cultural/religious/regional differences? “It’s my experience that families are not there at that time to judge you,” says Olson, adding that the funeral director is usually present to provide guidance to visitors.

Can’t I just fill in comments on the funeral home’s website instead of making a personal appearance? Online guest books are conveniences, especially for those who live far away, Olson says, “but those (websites) shouldn’t be the opportunity to opt out of attending a visitation or memorial service.”

Do I have to go to the funeral? “Unless you’re a family member or particularly close to the family, it’s not expected,” he says.

Anything else? Turn off your cellphone/smartphone. “There should be nothing more important than what we’re there to do,” Olson says, recalling a minister at a local church who, when someone’s phone rang in the middle of a service, stopped and said, “That better be God calling.”

By JUDY HEVRDEJS