Central Valley Moms

The world according to Mom – not SpongeBob

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 12:40:00 +0000

Over the past 15 years I have been raising kids, I have identified a trend. This isn't necessarily a good trend, either. You see, I have what I fondly refer to as "two sets of kids." The older teenage set, and the younger grammar school set, and over the years, I've worked with both sets closely. I've gotten to know their friends, and classmates; I've kept notes over certain issues they've all faced.

And I've noticed a change in attitude and behavior from one set to another.

There seems to be a trend going on in my neck of the woods where kids these days are behaving a lot more immaturely than they used to. It's like some of them have morphed into actual living, breathing Sponge Bobs, Doras, Diegos, Maxes, and Rubies, or Oobies. A lot of times, they don't know the difference between speaking to an adult versus speaking to a friend. A lot of times, they are demanding of an adult's attention, dispite the fact that they are trying to have a conversation with a fellow grownup, as if whatever it is that they're trying to discuss does not have any comparison to their immediate, and urgent whining needs – as if what THEY want is far more important than anything the parent is ever talking about.

The oh-so-squeeky/kitten/puppy/non-human voice. There is no off button. Some of these kids are living in "pretend" practically every moment of their lives, it seems, and are struggling with identifying when to engage in the proper behavior in a normal relationship.

And of course, this leads to parents resorting to buying their kids a toy just to get them to shut up, which of course feeds the frenzy even more, teaching the child that it is ok to act like little cartoon creatures, and that if you do it long enough, you will get a reward.

What happened to kids working well independently and carrying themselves well in public? Where is the respect for living within the norms of society? I've seen too many out-of-control kids at the grocery store, or on the show Super Nanny and it really is raising some eyebrows.

Now, I understand kids will be kids, and I also understand that my previous generation probably said the same exact thing about me and my generation.

But I'm not sitting here, writing today about my older kids, and their generation. Sure, their classmates had their issues, but I never saw them "acting" like squeeky animal-robots, heavy emphasis on the slapstick humor, without an "off" button in sight.

Really?

The TV show Mad Men just won another Golden Globe for best drama on TV over the weekend. If you've ever seen it, you know it's set during the 1960s in New York, when things were a lot more different than they are today. This was when children still respected their elders, and were given real consequences for their actions. This was when TV was just coming out, and still wasn't such a serious influence in the lives of our kids. Nowadays, we not only have TV, but we also have the Internet, cell phones, video gaming, etc. Not only for our kids, but mommy and daddy too. Parents are buried in media. Our little kids are buried with media, and are showing signs of not knowing when they're in "pretend world" or not. And adults are not as strict as they used to be, only fueling the make believe fire.

And of course consumerism plays a part in the frenzy, as well. The more kids watch, and absorb, the more they act out, the more they demand to have corresponding toys at the store, the more parents allow and reward such behavior to get them to comply…and the cycle goes on and on.

I will be the first to always protect a child's ability to play pretend. I realize the value in learning how to act, and running to another world as an escape. But like I said, there's got to be more of a distinction between "acting" and "acting out" with some of these kids. One way is ok, the other is not.

I think we've reached a point in society where we simply need to ban all of those shows from our houses, indefinitely. It is no longer ok to speak like SpongeBob or Oobi or whine and speak in incomplete sentences like Max. And that slapstick humor only goes so far when a grownup is around. This issue is creating a cultural, generational, and behavioral phenomena. It's time for some parents to get back to the basics and "practice" normal one-on-one relationship skill building with our kids, and un-bury ourselves from the computer or cell phone. A/B/A/B conversation; using real words; not interrupting; not whining; sitting down together; looking into each others' faces while communicating; being accountable for behaviors and actions. It's a good thing.

thank heaven for my girls

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 03:15:00 +0000

Most days I do believe that it is great being a girl! Most days it is absolutely true. Then there are those days where perimenopause plays with me making me curse Mother Nature for being such a sarcastic, hateful, evil bitch.

Note to the guys that read my blog: this is all about girl stuff so just walk away now.

This perimenopausal journey has been an interesting one and I do try to be a graceful passenger…as graceful as one can be in the midst of crazy, shirt soaking hot flashes because that is what I aspire to be, a woman of grace. I like to think I have adjusted. I’ve tried. I have mostly accepted the physical changes that comes with a woman my age. I have accepted that there is no regularity in my life that comes with living with a 28 day cycle. I can go for weeks and months and just when I believe that finally, at last menopause is here, along comes Mother Nature with her gift to me because I am, after all a girl. The only problem is I am not prepared. I’m at work in the middle of what ends up being an 18 hour-long very busy shift. Not prepared at all. Neither, it seems, is anyone else around me.

How can I be surrounded by young, child-bearing age women who don’t have a spare tampon or, worse, a diva cup?

On second thought, I don’t want to borrow a diva cup from anyone.

Eeww!

But really, no one has anything? What’s wrong with you ladies? Oh yeah, that’s right. The women that I am surrounded by here in the NICU have just given birth. Not gonna find a tampon here. I could wear one of those lovely OB pads but no, no thank you.

I dig through the dark recesses of my work bag finding a lot of pens, gum wrappers and sixteen cents but no tampon. WTH? Oh yeah, the last time I had a period while at work was like last September…I think. And no one has a tampon, really? No. I take a quick break and hike out to my car to see if I have one somewhere in the mom car. Digging in the glove box I find one.

Yes! I can get through the rest of this shift.

7 AM comes finally and I drag my exhausted self home. I haven’t slept in twenty hours. I am more than ready for bed. But first I must take care of my personal business. The only problem is I am out of feminine hygiene products. What the hell is wrong with me? I have nothing? Why am I not prepared. Oh yeah, wait. My last menstrual period was…when was it? Weeks ago? Months ago? Whatever. I need something. I need it now. I’ve got my jammies on and I am ready for bed so I can’t just run to the store at this moment. But I do have girls, teen-aged daughters, living in this house, this house that estrogen built and rules. I head into the kids’ bathroom and yes, score myself a tampon. There you go, Mother Nature. Take that! I got your not so monthly gift covered thanks to my girls!

thank heaven for my girls

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 03:15:00 +0000

Note to the guys that read my blog: this is all about girl stuff so just walk away now.

How can I be surrounded by young, child-bearing age women who don’t have a spare tampon or, worse, a diva cup?

On second thought, I don’t want to borrow a diva cup from anyone.

Eeww!

Yes! I can get through the rest of this shift.

thank heaven for my girls

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 03:15:00 +0000

Note to the guys that read my blog: this is all about girl stuff so just walk away now.

How can I be surrounded by young, child-bearing age women who don’t have a spare tampon or, worse, a diva cup?

On second thought, I don’t want to borrow a diva cup from anyone.

Eeww!

Yes! I can get through the rest of this shift.

thank heaven for my girls

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 03:10:00 +0000

Note to the guys that read my blog: this is all about girl stuff so just walk away now.

How can I be surrounded by young, child-bearing age women who don’t have a spare tampon or, worse, a diva cup?

On second thought, I don’t want to borrow a diva cup from anyone.

Eeww!

Yes! I can get through the rest of this shift.

thank heaven for my girls

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 03:10:00 +0000

Note to the guys that read my blog: this is all about girl stuff so just walk away now.

How can I be surrounded by young, child-bearing age women who don’t have a spare tampon or, worse, a diva cup?

On second thought, I don’t want to borrow a diva cup from anyone.

Eeww!

Yes! I can get through the rest of this shift.

the village vs the parents

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 22:40:00 +0000

I am a firm believer in the thought that it takes a village to raise a child. When I was growing up, you were disciplined by the nearesst adult, be it grandparent, aunt, uncle or whoever, only if your parents were not there to do it. I will tell a child, any child to be careful, or polietly not to do something, if the parents are not there do it. But, I expect the parent to take charge if they are there.

Yes, it takes the village to raise a child, but it is the parents, if you really are the primary caregivers, who need to do most of the teaching.

I am lucky, my daughter has a village, but her father and I are her main teacher.

Male and Female Roles in Our Politically Correct Society – A Dad’s Point-of-View

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 23:40:00 +0000

Dear CVM Readers;

This is my last post here. I am grateful for the opportunity to blog on this wonderful site. For those of you that would like to stay in touch, please email me at bruce@brucesallan.com or visit my website, www.brucesallan.com, where my regular "A Dad's Point-of-View" column is posted each week or Google it and you'll find it among the 75 or so papers and websites carrying it now worldwide. Also, for a change of pace, visit momlogic where my "Just A Guy" blog is posted each Saturday. Thank you moms. Hope you enjoy this last entry.

I am more and more troubled by how male and female roles in our society have evolved. Clearly, I may just not fully understand and accept these changes, but I want to understand for the sake of my boys. I’m trying to teach them to be men, how to treat women, and to prepare my sons for the current social environment and workplace that we live in. And, frankly, I need to learn and adjust for myself, as this column will show.

I was raised in the fifties and sixties, where men and women had casual conversational fun with each other, both in the work place and out of it. It was fun and not harassment, to be clear, and included healthy banter and even occasional flirting. But, today this is forbidden and larger companies have seminars on proper work behavior that, I believe, limits camaraderie and rapport between colleagues. As communication often is via e-mail, the chances of misunderstandings are only enhanced.

Recently, I sent an e-mail to a female editor of a website that carries my column, asking about a change I’d noticed in how my column was presented. It happens to be a mom’s website and I’m the only male blogger. I asked the question about the change and then said, “I am your only man, after all.” To me, it is true and was completely innocuous.

The reply I got from the editor was a stern missive affirming her status at the website and asking that I stop this unprofessional behavior and flirting. It reminded me of when Barbara Boxer reprimanded a general in the army, in Congress, for calling her “Ma’am,” instead of “Senator.” Can you imagine a male senator doing the same when called “Sir?”

I was stunned at the editor’s criticism and immediately sent her an apology for any misunderstanding and said that my intention was solely humorous, and in no way flirtatious. It was, yet again, a reminder to me of the dangers of e-mail.

She replied, “Apology accepted.” Now, the fact that she had changed our agreement about how my column was to be presented was minimally addressed as I did not receive any acknowledgment or apology for her breaking our ground rules. Instead, an off-hand remark I made left a bad taste for both of us and I still didn’t get satisfactory resolution to my original question. I thought proper business etiquette required communication before a change is made to an existing agreement.

To this editor’s credit, she said she showed my e-mail to several male colleagues who all agreed it was in poor taste. While I didn’t ask, I wondered how old they were as there’s no doubt that younger men are growing up in a work and social environment whose rules are quite different from when I grew up. I think we had much more fun and, given that the most of my career was in showbiz, there was certainly plenty of healthy, and innocent flirting that regularly went on and, many times, it resulted in good business dealings.

To be clear, I am not talking about any casting couch sort of behavior as I never experienced it in the form of an actress offering me “special privileges” nor did I ever engage in asking for it. I was raised to treat women with respect well before sexual harassment handbooks and seminars became important business tools for employers.

I actually experienced some sexual harassment early in my career. A top female studio executive invited me to her home to “discuss business.” I was fighting her off the entire evening. My male bosses at the time thought it was hilarious and that I should have given in for the benefit of the company. Needless to say, I wasn’t amused so I obviously understand the difference between innocent flirtation and harassment. We often define sexual harassment as a man harassing a woman, but the reverse can be harassing as well.

I am trying to raise Will and David to be men who respect and treat women well. I expect them to be sensitive without being wimps, and hopefully still possess a twinkle in their eyes, and enjoy engaging the opposite sex. Flirting can be a kick but, of course, it has to be in the right situations.

I am stuck in my ways and obviously somewhat dense and/or stubborn–as this incident with the editor illustrated. Hereafter, I’m going to be extra careful with all of my future interaction with women. Frankly, it’s the clichéd point of being better safe than sorry, though I know that some of the interplay I’ve always enjoyed will be diminished.

Will and David have been taught other behaviors that I believe in, although these behaviors may be somewhat old fashioned. They know to open and close car doors for their girl friends or any woman or older adult. My teen knows we expect him to pay for any date that he may go on, though presently he’s doing the contemporary group date thing, so he’s off the hook. When we went to the recent Outside Lands music festival, he knew even though I did remind him, to look after his two female friends and, because of his height and gender, to take care of them in the crush of the crowds. They appreciated it and I was proud of his actions.

A friend of mine suggested that my generation might actually have the opportunity to learn from our kids about these kinds of behaviors. Growing up in a politically correct culture all their lives, they’ve been socialized and taught certain behavior and, like their comfort with technology, it may be second nature to them. Is it better? I don’t know.

Still, I think it’s a very confusing time for young boys and men. Some of the so-called progress that has allowed women to enter otherwise limited areas for them professionally, are clearly welcome. But, I question all these rules for gender interaction. Doesn’t it, to some degree, only infantilize women vs. teaching our young women to know proper boundaries and stand up for themselves? I’d rather any daughter that I had should know when to slap a guy, kick him where it counts, and otherwise not run to a boss or the government. And, conversely, she should know when it is time to seek intervention by a superior. What do you think?

Patience Is My Middle Name – A Dad’s Point-of-View

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:00:00 +0000

I’m sure you catch just a little sarcasm in the title of today’s column. Patience has and is my biggest personal struggle. With me, with others, with the world at large. You’d think that having kids would moderate that poor characteristic. And, I suppose, to some degree it has. But, in general, this is my Achilles heel.

As a child, I can remember looking forward to special events like going to Disneyland for my birthday. Disneyland, in those days, was actually fun and much less crowded. Then, we had individual tickets for the rides, “A – E” tickets, with “E” being for the big ones like the Matterhorn; hence the by now forgotten “like an E-ticket ride” expression. I couldn’t sleep the night before and once we finally got there, I’d be the first kid to run in and get in line for whichever ride that we were heading towards first.

When I was a kid, many things that we take for granted now, required patience. All of television was only available when it was broadcast and if you missed it, you were out of luck until and if it was shown again. No DVR, VCR, or any sort of video recording device. Listening to music required a radio or going to the music store and buying a record. No instant downloads. And long-distance phone calls were saved only for emergencies. We wrote to long distance friends and relatives and waited for answers, in many cases, for days and weeks. Imagine that?

So, now with the world moving almost literally at the speed of light, and after raising two boys from infancy, you’d think that I’d mellow a little. Nah, I still want it now! Whatever “it” is.

But, as a parent, I wonder how our children are learning patience? David, my younger son, bought some manga magazines on EBay the other day, and was informed that they’d be sent by U.S. postal mail and to expect them to arrive within 3-9 business days. When they hadn’t arrived on the third day, he began pouting. By the ninth day he was practically apoplectic. They did arrive. On the eleventh day.

He also is a big movie fan and needs, I use that word facetiously, to see the big, important movies, without fail, the first day or weekend that they open. Do you remember when movies actually played for months on end? I remember buying tickets, at the box office, to “The Sound of Music” as a Mother’s Day present, weeks in advance, for my mother. How quaint.

I asked Will (my teenager) where he thought I was impatient with him and he said that I was impatient about anything and everything I ask him to do (e.g. chores), to which I have to own that as completely true, because I’ve grown to expect him not to do them in a timely manner. So, like the boy who cried wolf, I’m extra-sensitized to when he does or doesn’t do a chore and I’m looking for him to fail. That, naturally, doesn’t help matters. He’s got a teen brain; it won’t mature until he’s 35 or so.

David said that I’m always rushing everyone when we go skiing: to get up there early, to get going, to move faster in the line, etc. Again, I have to own that as I sometimes still feel like that kid rushing to get in line at the Matterhorn at Disneyland, when I’m skiing. I learned, with David that going at his pace actually allows me to have some influence on him, while pushing him to keep up with me only creates distance.

The same sorts of things happen between Loren (my wife) and me. Wow, the more I write this, the more I sound like a creep. Maybe I’d better distort the truth a little and tell you all how wonderfully calm and zen-like I really am. Nah, no one who knows me would believe that. I suppose the simplest example with my wife is when we walk. I walk faster by nature and by having a 10-inch height advantage on her, I need to consciously slow down or she practically has to jog to keep up. At restaurants, I’m the first one done and the first one asking, “Okay, ready to go?”

So on this subject, I guess I’m the culprit in my family, for the most part, and like so many of the stubborn things we do, it does me no good nor does it promote harmony among us. I guess I should utilize more competently my often-said mantra about getting older, that the only good thing about getting older is the possibility of getting better. And, by getting better, I mean getting better in our relationships, knowing how to moderate our behavior and comments, and just maybe having a little patience.

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 75 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.

Back to School -

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 11:05:00 +0000

Recently, I saw a really funny commercial showing a man leaping with joy as he pulled something down an aisle. It was revealed to be a couch, with his two sullen kids sitting on it, and the background music was the famous Christmas song which extols, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” It was a back-to-school ad and that dad was jumping for joy. It was very clever, so kudos to Staples. Yes, the kids are going back to school. We parents get our lives back–especially our evenings.

The job of parent revolves around the school calendar. Our chauffeuring responsibilities are different during the school year than during vacation times. One of the big differences, from my perspective, is the bedtimes for the boys. On “school nights” they have a curfew that gives us some quiet at night. However, during summer, the boys are allowed more freedom and Will, my almost-16-year-old, loves to stay up late and sleep late. At least I get quiet time in the summer mornings. It’s said that the more they sleep, in the summer, the more they’re growing. Will is 6 feet, 2 inches already!

Television watching of any kind is also limited during the school year. In fact, none is allowed on school days. This policy has been in place ever since the boys began school, as I believe television is the biggest waste of time for everyone, let alone a total distortion of reality and an assault on many of our values. This is ironic, given my former career was in television. But during summer, vacations, and weekends, they’re allowed to watch. That means a lot of television in the summer. This, too, will end when school begins.

Summer also usually means a family vacation. Family vacations mean vacation for the kids and torture for the parents. It means fun, fun, fun for the kids, and exhaustion for the parents. It means eating, running around, amusement parks, cruises for the kids, all of which they love–but an empty bank account for the parents.

Summer days means the boys are often hanging around the house, with or without friends, and always underfoot asking “What’s for lunch?” or “What are we doing today?” It’s like we’re the entertainment directors on this particular cruise of life, in our home. But with school, they have to be somewhere every week day. They have homework. They have to go to bed before we do. And, as a result, we get some of our lives back. So, like the dad in that commercial, I’m doing cartwheels with anticipation and joy at the forthcoming end of summer.

School, of course, has its own challenges. How much should we push our kids for grades? How much independence do we allow them (with their schoolwork, choice of classes, etc.)? When do our expectations exceed their capabilities or desires? How important is college for every kid? Clearly, these are questions which I’ll address another time. In my case I have two different kids with two totally disparate approaches to school. So, consequently, I have to approach each of them distinctly and respect their individual strengths and weaknesses. And, of course, I have to remember that they’re not me. They don’t have my specific interests, nor my work habits (good and bad).

I remember with such fondness and irony how I viewed summer when I was a kid. The moment summer began, I not only rejoiced, but I saw this gigantic ocean of freedom and fun ahead of me. However, when school began again, I felt as if my life was over as the interminable school year began, my prison sentence resumed, and it felt like forever till the next summer would come around.

My attitude towards time has changed as I’ve grown older and I now see summer as a blip of time. Our perspective on time is subjective, in my opinion. That is also why, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more patient waiting for those things I’m looking forward to doing. A vacation in six months doesn’t seem that far away while, when I was a kid, the weekend felt distant every Monday. And, like me before them, my boys do a countdown to summer and a sadder countdown to when school begins again.

So, it’s back to school and back to a regular routine and that is the comfort of the school year for me. For me, it’s like having that assigned seat in “homeroom,” where at least I could count on one thing being within my control during my own tumultuous school years. I know what’s expected of me, as dad, and the boys largely have a schedule to follow. My wife and I can watch a movie at night without interruption and life feels normal. Until next summer.

I just wrote, and it's just been posted, my silliest and maybe funniest blog on momlogic.com. Check it out if you need a good laugh and be sure to watch the accompanying video. Please leave a comment, too:

http://www.momlogic.com/2009/08/just_a_guy_farting_bruce_sallan.php

Please visit www.brucesallan.com to contact Bruce and to enjoy the various features his new Web site offers, including contact info for advice and coaching, an archive of his columns, general contact info, links to his published work, photo galleries, and reader comments, plus much more. Bruce Sallan was an award-winning television executive and producer for 25 years. Google him if you really want to know more (e.g. his credits). When his boys were quite young, Bruce left show biz to become a full-time Dad. Shortly thereafter his marriage ended and his wife abandoned their children, leaving the State. Bruce found himself a full-time single Dad, in his late forties, as well as a returning single man to the changed world of cyber-dating. It became a classic “sandwich” situation when he also began to care for his ailing parents. He began writing various blogs on the dating sites he used as well as articles for local publications. The goal of his column, A Dad’s Point-of-View, is to primarily focus on parenting and occasionally other issues from the male perspective. Presently, his column is available in over 50 newspapers and Web sites in the U.S. and internationally. Bruce lives in Agoura, California with his second (and last) wife and two boys, who are 15 and 12. Find Bruce on Facebook and add him as your friend. Just be sure to tell him you saw him here.