Our family circus is not unlike many, many other American families. We dreamed a dream of owning a home of our very own. It would be a cozy home. Perhaps a cluttered home because with five children how in the world could we possibly keep it neat and pristine? It would be the place where our circus clowns would thrive and grow up much too quickly and where there would be tickle fights and cuddles while watching our favorite movies, reading books and sharing our adventures of the day.

Our home. Our very own. Our dream.

It took a long time for us to achieve that dream. In spite of the fact that we both had well-paying careers, it seemed that home ownership was out of our reach, even in times of prosperity, living in the Bay Area. So we began to look east towards the Central Valley, like so many other BATs (what the “natives” call us). There we built what would become The Big Top and we moved our family into this home on our twentieth wedding anniversary. It took us long enough didn’t it? But we did it!

Our home. Our very own. Our dream.

Daniel took his very first steps here at age 30 months across my kitchen floor. We have indeed watched our children grow much too quickly. This became the nest from which two of my children have grown their own wings and have flown off to their next big adventures. So many memories have been made here, so much laughter and yes, sometimes tears. This is also where I began this Adventures in Juggling.

But life took a sharp left turn…for us…for pretty much everyone. Bill was laid off and in spite of short, temporary jobs here and there has remained unemployed for almost 3½ years now. Still we were luckier than most. We had no outstanding debt other than our mortgage…no car payments, no motorhomes, no boats, no swimming pool and no credit cards to pay off. We learned that lesson years back which is why it took us twenty years just to be able to afford to buy a home. All we had was our mortgage, insurance, utilities, tuition and other necessities and not-so necessities to care for this circus of ours. We also had a substantial amount of savings. So while for sale, foreclosure and short sale signs were being put up all around the Central Valley (and the rest of the country), we were still managing to stay afloat Perhaps, we thought, we can ride out this recession to the other side and be okay.

Perhaps not.

Three years later there has been no permanent job for Bill. The prospect of that happening seems all the more slim for him as he stands next to twenty-something and thirty-something applicants. I am still working, thank goodness. But our savings soon enough dwindled down to pretty much nothing and the bills began to pile up which led to daily, sometimes hourly phone calls from our lender reminding us that we were falling behind on our payments…demanding to know when we would pay…instructing us to fill out reams of paperwork requesting a loan modification. We filled out loan modification paperwork three times and were denied three times because…

…we made too much money

…we didn’t make enough money

…and (the best reason of all) although we qualify the lender was worried that tomorrow Bill would return to permanent, full time work earning the same wages he did when he was first laid off back in 2008 and then we would be making a whole lot more money but paying a substantially less mortgage payment leading to a loss for the lender.

…boo for them!

The phone calls, certified letters and notices increased as did the stress here. It has taken its toll on us all. We finally have come to a point where we could not take it anymore. Oh, and the fact that our lender refused to accept any more payments other than an outrageous lump sum pretty much clinched that. They wanted to foreclose. We countered with a short sale and so now a For Sale sign is prominently displayed on my front lawn and there is a real estate listing with pictures of my home…the Big Top…that invites realtors to bring their fussiest buyers because this house will not disappoint.

Well at least they like the house, right?

Like I said, we are not alone in this new, bitter adventure. So many here in the Central Valley of California have lost their homes. It’s hard. The hardest part was telling our kids and extended family that came to visit this weekend who were greeted with that For Sale sign. It’s hard, but it is.

As I write this, I think what I want to get across (editor of our little town’s paper with your judge-y editorials I am looking at you) is that people like us are not bad. We are not greedy. We are not stupid. The majority of us are hard working people with families who pursued the American Dream of home ownership and, well, for us the dream took a detour into nightmare territory when the economy took a dump. It’s sad. It’s frustrating. It’s heart-breaking. But now that we have been rudely awakened we know we will be okay eventually. Much has been lost. Much has been given up. Still as I pack up this circus of mine I find myself looking ahead to the new Big Top. It might be a rental, with a monthly rent less than half of what our mortgage was; but it will be home and a place where our circus will survive and thrive.