Yesterday I took the day off work and stayed home with my sick baby. For those of you who aren’t aware, being a Stay at Home Mom has been a major goal of mine for quite some time… and a job I apparently knew NOTHING about until I actually stayed in my home, chasing around my child for a full day.

I’m not quite sure I have what it takes…

7:00 AM: Awakened from peaceful slumber by screaming child pounding on bedroom wall

7:02 AM: Pumping adrenaline and slight annoyance melt away with the sweetness of morning baby cuddles

7:03AM: *Socks me in face, slides off lap, runs away in search of food*

7:04-9:30AM: Cocktail of Yo Gabba Gabba, goldfish crackers, and that one singing teapot toy that tells you to “always say please and thank you” on repeat leaves me in coma on couch while baby continues to bounce off walls

10:00AM: “Seriously, kid? You’re supposed to be sick.”

10:01AM: *hackhackcoughcough-ORANGE GOLDFISH BARF-smear-hands-in-puke-and-grind-into-carpet*

10:02AM: Nap time.

10:15-10:45AM: *POWER CLEAN AT CRACKHEAD SPEED*

10:45AM: Mom comes over with vanilla soy latte in hand and saves day

12:00PM: Still in hideous plaid pajama bottoms. Don’t care. Eat mint chocolate chip ice cream. Baby senses food being consumed by another human being and wakes up. Summons me with screams.

12:15PM: Prepare nutritious meal for baby. Baby gives look of disgust and refuses to eat because meal is NOT MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM and she will not be taken for a fool. Throws nutritious meal on freshly cleaned floor. Says “Uh-oh!” cheerfully. Mocks me to my face.

12:15-2:00PM: Repeat morning’s coma-inducing activities. Eye twitches a little.

2:05PM: Google “Jack Bauer” and set giant image of Kiefer Sutherland wielding a gun as desktop background. Giggle to self. Realize I am odd.

2:05-3:00PM: Play with baby, eat nachos, clean some more.

3:00PM: Nap time #2.

3:30PM: Am bored. Video chat with Justin while he’s at work.

3:32PM: Clip hair back and ask if I look like a boy. Justin says yes. Almost cry because it’s sort of true. Take hair down.

3:35PM: Justin says I look at myself on the web cam too much. I get up and disappear into the other room.

3:38PM: Return with unibrow and soul patch drawn on my face with eyeliner. Justin says I’m too distracting and weird. Stops responding to me and gets back to work.

5:00PM: Baby wakes up with screams and pounding fists on walls.

5:30PM: Draw eyeliner mustache on baby.

5:40PM: Welcome Daddy home.

6:00PM: Attempt to do dishes while baby reaches into dishwasher for knives and forks. Give baby goldfish crackers as distraction. Seemingly works wonders.

6:15PM: Find pile of crushed goldfish crackers on the floor in corner of living room.

6:30PM: Give baby a bath. Pretty sure she peed in the tub.

6:45-7:00PM: Attempt to rock wee one to sleep. Get headbutted in nose. Give up and lay baby in crib with teddy bear. Still absolutely in love with baby.